Guilt ...

Most of you all know our Infertility History. With the challenges, heartache, triumph, and end result, the greatest joy our three beautiful babies, also comes guilt. After all that we have been through to have Kylie, Bella and Jaxson, like normal parents we are tired, we are on a tight budget, our house is a crazy zoo. But unlike most parents complaining as normal as it is we don't feel we have the right. It is a rare occasion you will hear me complain. I love the crazy, I love the full house, I love the challenges, I don't care if we are late to everything, and I don't care about being "that" family, I even love the night feedings. While I would love more sleep, I can sleep later (in a "few" years). Whenever you hear us talking about the challenges we face, we are not complaining, we might be venting, but definitely not complaining. WE Love our life.

With that said I have come to a cross roads of sorts. I am overwhelmed with the guilt of it but have no other option. I must stop breast feeding.

As my Mother-in-Law described it to her friend who asked how is she doing it with two "This is what it looks like: She has one baby laying in her leg resting his head on her knee in a half Indian style position, the other baby in the crook of her arm or boppy, and a breast pump in her other hand" It's not pretty.

First challenge with two is time (with twins and a toddler you don't have any), to nurse each baby individually at 40 mins a piece would be impossible (if I didn't need the little amount of sleep I am getting to function each day maybe it could work), nursing them at the same time resulted in a pain full Mastitis. If you don't know what Mastitis is I hope you never do. It is the most painful thing I have ever endured (worse than labor and I say that knowing that pain still in my memory). My only option is pumping at every feeding.

So after two more episode's of Mastitis (taking care of the babies while having that is 'almost' impossible) I have concluded it is time to throw in the towel. I gave it my all and I am proud that we lasted as long as we did. With Kylie, while it was challenging, it was also do-able and it worked for us. It is just not working for us anymore.

This week we have switched over to formula. They are on half formula and half my milk. I have to continue to pump a few times each day for a week and taper off but I have enough in the freezer to last a few weeks.

Sorry this is such a boring, not fun post and sounds like a lot of complaining. But I am not complaining just feeling guilty. Even though it was challenging, I gave it my all and that is all that I can do as a parent. I am sharing this with you all so you can understand the guilt IVF parents share after they succeed. Like most parents, you do the best you can and give all you have to give. Most of the time it is enough. Unlike most parents you don't feel comfortable complaining about it.

Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. This was my own personal challenge that I thought was a failure. After a long talk with my "Gram", I realized it wasn't a failure. We lasted almost three months. She explained in her own words that my guilt was ridiculous. I love her!

So we are moving on ... With our next challenge ...